From Maesk Counseling in Fort Lauderdale - The Key to Happiness

“Mommy, hello please? Hello please?” the little girl repeated plaintively as she tugged on her mother’s skirt as mom obliviously tapped on her cell phone. 

The invention of our hand held devices is a very mixed blessing! On the one hand, we have the virtual world and relationships at our fingertips. Somebody can Like you on Facebook!! The adrenaline hit that brings is addictive and draws us in.

On the other hand, the real world and the relationships in front of us pass us by.

The idea of “Be Here Now” seems so elementary, but look around you. Is anyone in your line of vision enjoying the present moment-the coffee in their hand, the smile on the face of the clerk, the breeze that ruffles their hair? Or are they absorbed in the otherness of their phone?

Are you?

As we constantly look to “the next thing,” we miss relating to what IS. As a therapist, I am constantly challenged to wake people up out of cyber-life and into the challenge and joys of this moment. I have to remind them, that sitting there with me, we are safe. We are fed. We are warm.

But maybe your present moment isn’t so great. Maybe escaping into your phone seems irresistible in the face of that divorce, that mean boss, or that medical diagnosis. 

Using avoidance only compounds the current problem. The decisions, the insight needed to make changes are lost when problems are avoided by escaping into cyber world.

If this describes you, call me. I can help you face what you’re escaping with that phone. Finding solutions or at least facing the pain of the issues is the way to experience the life in front of you with freedom and peace. Don’t waste a minute of your existence!

“Living in the moment, living my life

Easy and breezy, peace in my mind-

Peace in my heart, peace in my soul

Wherever I’m going, I’m already home.”

(Song, Living in the Moment by Jason Mraz)

From Maesk Counseling in Fort Lauderdale - Couples Communication

Communication Differences between Men and Women

“He should just know what I want if he loves me,” she exclaims.  “I try to solve her problems, but she gets mad when she’s upset and I give her advice,” he declares.  Both of them think they are right.  And both of them have a right to see it that way.  Both of them would be wise to learn to see it from another point of view.

Individuality notwithstanding, the stereotypes are somewhat borne out by research:  men are generally problem solvers and women generally want intuitive, compassionate responses.  To put it another way, when we approach our partner with a problem, we expect them to react the way our best (same sex) friends do. Or to put it another way: Men “fix” and women “feel.”

"And here's what you SHOULD do, wife..."

Men most often communicate in order to solve a problem, and they feel a sense of responsibility and love when their partner is upset.  What he doesn’t realize is that she is not generally asking for advice, unless she comes out and says so.  Instead, she would like to be listened to and valued while she processes her problem verbally.  It tends to go something like this:

She: “I got so mad at my boss today.”

He: “Well, you should just quit that job and look for another.  Here’s the employment listings.”

When he jumps directly to his solution for her life, she feels belittled, as if he feels she is not capable of adult decisions.  She really just wanted him to listen, not solve!  Let’s look at a better way:

She: “I got so mad at my boss today.”

He: “You seem really upset. Tell me more.”

“If you LOVED me you would just KNOW, husband…”

A mistake that women often make when communicating with the opposite sex is called “mind reading,” that is, expecting to just hint, sigh, glare, or otherwise get him to pick up on what she wants.  This conversation might go:

She:  (sarcastically) “That trash really smells, doesn’t it?”

He: “Sure does.”

Of course, she wanted him to take the trash out, not agree with her!  She winds up frustrated and furious that he didn’t bow to the control, hint, guilt and manipulation barely hidden in that remark.  A better way would be:

She: “Would you please take the trash out sometime in the next hour?”

He: “Sure, it’s my turn anyway.”

Women are socialized to be tactful, accommodating, and indirect, but this does not serve them well in the real world.  Instead, women (and indeed, men as well) should be DIRECT, BRIEF, and SPECIFIC when asking for what they need.  This could save a lot of resentment; we all appreciate honest, courteous, and upfront communication. 

So it goes like this: men, you get in a lot of trouble when you offer solutions instead of focused, eye-to-eye, undivided attention and a listening ear when she is sharing her problems with you.  And women, you shut down any hope of getting what you need when you hint, sigh, use sarcasm, or otherwise expect him to read your mind.  Instead, be direct (“the trash”), specific (“within the next hour”) and courteous (“please”).

Communication is a skill that must be learned, but the basic principles listed here can go a long way toward each person getting what they want - a “win-win” for all parties.

From Maesk Counseling in Fort Lauderdale - Depression Screening

Just a few days ago, the American Psychological Association formally recommended making screening for depression standard practice for teens and young adults.  This really did not surprise me, as my Fort Lauderdale practice sees many patients seeking help for depression in this age group.

The good news is that depression treatment is highly effective.  There are many different therapeutic techniques available, as well as the option for a medication evaluation for anti-depressants.  

The bottom line:  if you think you may be depressed, seek help.  You deserve to be happy!

Here is the link to the APA article:  Depression Screening 

From Maesk Counseling in Fort Lauderdale - Panic Attacks

Tips for Coping with Panic Attacks

Always begin with a visit to your doctor or health care provider to ensure that there is not an underlying medical cause to your symptoms. Don’t self-diagnose.

Panic attack symptoms include:

• Shortness of breath

• Tightness in the chest

• Rapid heartbeat

• Inability to relax

What Can I Do To Cope?

RATE the panic on a scale of 1 to 10, 1 meaning not bad at all, up to 10 meaning, call an ambulance! Anything we can MEASURE we can start to control.

ACCEPT, don’t fight. Fighting increases the bodily symptoms.

ASK yourself: what’s the worst that could happen here? How would I handle it?

BREATHE normally and naturally. Pay attention to your breath.

FOCUS on an object in the room. See it, describe it to yourself. This helps orient you in the present moment reality.

TIME the attack (measuring again). Note how little time it actually lasts.

NOTICE if the attacks are happening in a certain location or at a certain time (“cued” attacks.) When it passes, get out a piece of paper and write about that place or time. BE A SCIENTIST about your panic—objective, measuring, curious.

TAKE your writings to your counselor to further explore the causes of the panic.

REMEMBER that overcoming panic is not a matter of willpower. It is a malfunction of brain chemistry which can be helped by cognitive-behavioral therapy and/or medication.  Medication takes away the SYMPTOM but not the CAUSE. Therapy helps get to the root of the problem.

Remember that a panic attack won’t hurt your physically. Although it’s very uncomfortable, your body will continue to breathe and function through it. Relaxing even a small amount and observing what’s happening will give you a much-needed distance and perspective.

From Maesk Counseling in Fort Lauderdale - Depression and Self-talk

“I have depression, and I just can’t do ANYTHING right,” my client sighed as she settled further into the couch.  I've been in Fort Lauderdale for three years and have no friends.  Maybe I should just accept that I am fat, depressed and a failure at relationships. Nothing will help me.”

And as long as she chooses to continue talking to, and about, herself that way, she WILL be overweight, depressed and alone, and most importantly, unable to change, regardless of her therapist’s skills. For the fact is that every cell in our body responds to what we think and say about ourselves.

Although most of us are familiar with the “love our neighbors as ourselves” directive, we miss the meaning of the last part. Most of us wouldn’t dream of calling our neighbor names or criticizing them point-blank to their faces, yet we look in the mirror and do it to ourselves every day. We feel compassion for our friend’s struggles with food, relationships or other issues, yet we are merciless and impatient with our own. Self love is a vital key to health, and self condemnation the thing that most often keeps us from our goals. For instance, if you are having trouble ending an unhealthy relationship, AND you “beat yourself up” for your “weakness,” we now have THREE issues to overcome—the relationship, the self loathing, AND the damage done to your self image by the insult! Self love, forgiveness for our mistakes, and patience with our failures leads to the strength and discipline necessary to move forward into a healthy, balanced life.

To become your own encourager and best friend requires a deep examination of who taught you to be self-critical in the first place. Where did the “I’m not OK” message come from? It is most often from one of two sources—either what was said about you by your parent, or what a parent said about themselves in front of you. If you heard negativity modeled in your growing up years, the pattern was set for you to live that way as well. Children really do learn what they live. But like any learned behavior, this thinking pattern can be changed; sometimes by yourself, and sometimes with the help of a counselor if the pattern is persistent or severe.

To remain vital and healthy in your thinking throughout your lifetime, practice catching yourself when you are saying or thinking self-critical things. Immediately visualize a big red STOP sign to interrupt the pattern. Replace the self-criticism with a positive, encouraging thought, such as “I’m proud of myself for trying to change.”

 If you focus on what you DON”T like about yourself, you will get more of it, but focusing on the successes in your life will lead to more success. Congratulate yourself on victories, whether it’s a ten minute walk when you really just wanted to watch television, or keeping your temper in traffic.

All of us respond to love and encouragement, including when we give it to ourselves. Give yourself the gift of acceptance!  And let us know if we can help.

From Maesk Counseling in Fort Lauderdale - Loneliness and Sadness

This is a link to an interesting article exploring the connection between loneliness and health problems.  And yes, there is a connection.  The article can be found here:  "Loneliness as Deadly as a Lack of Exercise and Diabetes." 

If you are struggling with loneliness, sadness or depression, know that there is help.  Maesk Group Counseling is eager and willing to help.  Call 954-353-4680 or email to schedule an appointment.

From Maesk Counseling in Fort Lauderdale - When the Holidays Aren’t So Merry

When the Holidays Aren’t So Merry—Making it Through the Season

“What’s wrong with me?” my patient (fictional) asked, shredding the tissue in her hands as she wept on my couch. “Shouldn’t this be a happy time of year? Why can’t I feel Christmassy and jolly?”

And she is not alone. When you think of all of the people who are grieving and/or going through their first holiday season after divorce, widowhood, or the loss of a loved one, you realize that the memories can make the holidays more painful than happy at this time of year. Add to that the additional stress the season brings in the form of activities, shopping, and school events—well, you can see the problem. It’s like adding that last too-much drop of water to an already overflowing bucket.

What to do? If you are experiencing loss this time of year, your goal is this: to make it through. This is not the time to fill your chore list with handmade gifts (or gifts at all—who’s going to blame you this year?) or high stress dinners. If ever there was a time in your life to put you (and your children, if any) first, this is it. Exercise your “say-no” muscle with a firm and assertive smile and pass on committees, obligations, and entertaining. The people who might judge you—and believe me, there are fewer than you imagine—are simply not worth a second thought.

When the memories and tears come, allow them. What we resist, grows stronger, so don’t fight the feelings that arise. Tears actually expel cortisol, a stress hormone that is damaging to the body and needs to come out in order for you to be healthy.

Ask your friends and family for what you need this year, specifically. Do you need help making decisions? You probably have at least one friend who would love to help you. Do you need people to just listen to your grief without advising you? Tell them that you really just need an ear, not a response, from them.

These are just a few ideas; you know best what helps you stay strong. Just remember that you WILL make it through. Rest, heal, and wait for better days.

Twelve Practical Ways to Stop Stress - From Maesk Counseling in Fort Lauderdale

From our friends at fact hacker.com, here are some outstanding (and simple) ways to cope with stress.  Especially timely during the Holidays.

Have you ever heard of the word karoshi? Working for long periods under extreme stressful work conditions can lead to sudden death and the Japanese call this phenomenon karoshi. It literally means death from overwork mainly from heart attack and stroke due to stress.

We all know that stress kills and it needs to be managed and controlled. Left unaddressed it will bring you down, can cause depression, anxiety, disease and even karoshi, death. It is essential that we get a grip on our stress.  Below are 12 practical ways to stop stress:

1. Express Your Happiness - Laugh hard and loud. If you don’t have a sense of humor, find someone else who does. Laughter releases endorphins (happy chemicals) from the body, and it helps boost your immune system.

2. Take Control Over Your Time and Schedule - You will be much more able to deal with stress if you have a good handle on your schedules as they pertain to your job, relationships, and other activities. Much of this entails simplifying. And when you are mostly in control of your time, you are more inclined to stay focused and calm. Plan your time wisely.  Remember to leave room for unexpected events, both negative and positive. Be adaptable in rearranging your agenda. Get up 15 minutes early in the morning. Allow an extra 15 minutes to get to all appointments. Just building in a little extra time can do wonders for relieving the stress of rushing from one thing to the next.  Avoid procrastinating on important or urgent tasks. Whatever needs doing, do it immediately. Do the unpleasant tasks early, so that you won’t have to worry about them for the rest of the day. Also, keep a digital schedule. Don’t just rely on your memory.  Lastly, do your tasks one thing at a time at a time. Focus your attention on the present moment, whether it is the person talking to you or the job at hand. This helps you to avoid making errors – which lead to more tension and anxiety. Be patient in waiting. Anxiety caused by impatience can rise up your blood pressure. Say no to requests that you cannot accomplish. Delegate trivial tasks. You must remember that you don’t have to do it all yourself. Crack a job into separate tasks and assign them to people with the suitable skills.

3. Work Out - Strive and get some habitual exercise such as brisk walking or interval training or whatever appeals to you. Regardless of what you do, exercise considerably reduces the stress factor. Work out also improves sleep and gives you time to think and focus on other things. It also promotes the release of natural soothing chemicals in your body. Just be sure to avoid excessive exercise, however, as this may have an adverse effect and might cause more stress.

4. Take Slow Deep Breaths - Take time throughout your ay to calm down your muscles and breathe deeply and slowly. Do it several times. Follow your breath as it flows in and out. Do not try to have power over it. This is a good way to relax in the midst of any activity. This practice allows you to find a breathing pattern that is natural and relaxing to you. You can even make a sighing sound as you exhale, and feel tension dissolve.

5. Food Makes All the Difference - Try not to skip meals and be sure you are eating the most nutrient-dense and healthy foods possible. Avoid packaged foods, caffeine, alcohol, sugar and grains. These types of foods cause major stress on the body without providing nourishment. Getting proper nutrition through your food is essential. For example, researchers have found that even small deficiencies of thiamin, a B-complex vitamin, can cause anxiety symptoms. Pantothenic acid, another B-complex vitamin, is critical during times of stress.

6. Live Optimistically - Count your blessings, particularly when everything seems to go wrong. Try not to exaggerate the complexity of your problems. Every problem has a solution. All you need to do is deal with it. Learning to be happy and to enjoy life is a blessing. Live one day at a time.

7. Put Off Problems Earlier Than They Occur - This takes some preparation. If you are going to another city for an valuable meeting, carry your presentation materials and dress suit on board the plane. Acquire gas for the car before the tank is unfilled. Get usual oil changes and checkups. Keep food ready anytime at your house so you can fix a fast meal without going to the store. Keep food, supplements, and toiletries on hand so you never have to feel tensed when they run out.

8. Allow Yourself to Enjoy Life - Grant yourself some physical pleasure and enjoyment to help your stress slip away. Indulge yourself to a professional massage, or trade massages with a loved one. Be sure to give yourself consent every now and then to enjoy a movie, watch a concert or sports event, listen to music, sit quietly or read a book. Take pleasure in a soothing cup of chamomile herb tea. (Chamomile has long been used to relieve nervous tension.)

9. Create Goals - If you don’t know where you’re going any road will take you there. It is important to set goals for yourself. Research shows that people are more likely to make progress and get ahead when they lay out specific goals.  Time management experts highlight the importance of writing down your important goals. Break big projects down into a series of small steps that you can work on every day. Want to change jobs? Contact one prospective employer today. Is writing a book your dream? Commit to writing one page a day. Inch by inch, slowly but surely, you will get to your ultimate destination.  Knowing that you are striving toward your dreams relieves frustrations that mount when you feel stuck in a situation that seem to have no direction.  Likewise, be flexible with your goals and adjust them as life changes.

10. Recharge Your Spirit Daily - Schedule private time alone every day for at least 15 minutes. You deserve it and you need it. Turn off the telephone and enjoy a quiet time. A shower or bath is great. So is sitting and meditating. You may want to spend a few minutes writing your feelings out in a journal. It can help you find a new viewpoint in life and relieve internal conflicts.

11. Get Sufficient Sleep - Settle on how much sleep you require for best possible performance. Lack of sleep worsens the body’s responses to stress and lowers the immune system. We simply cannot function properly without adequate sleep. It is key to physical and emotional health. Aim for at least 7 – 9 hours per night.

12. You Don’t Have to Do It All - Always remember that you don’t have to attain all the money, fame, and success in the world. Today’s society has too much of a focus to build up as many accomplishments as we can. It leaves it impossible for us to balance our personal life, family life and work life. There is only a certain amount of time each day and a limited amount of what you can get done. You don’t have to do it all. Choose what you need and want to do and be done with the rest.

From Maesk Counseling in Fort Lauderdale - Ten Signs You May Need Professional Therapy

We all go through challenging times in our lives, but some experiences are worse than others. There is NO problem that can’t be eased—a little or a lot—by seeking professional counseling .

Some problems are like a sore throat—we go to the doctor, get a short round of treatment, and feel better. But others, such as death of a loved one, relationship issues, parenting problems, moving to a new city, living with the after effects of abuse from childhood, dealing with an elderly parent, health or weight issues—are more like a cancer. The problem only grows without professional intervention.

So what are you experiencing?

1) I have low energy, “blahs”

2) someone in my life puts me down or threatens me

3) I can’t relax

4) I have the same fights over and over

5) people keep disappointing me

6) My sleep is disturbed

7) I can’t keep a job and/or a relationship

8) My temper gets out of hand

9) I wouldn’t mind if I weren’t here anymore

10)  I feel guilty all the time

I have extensively studied how to help these and many other issues common to all people. Let’s get started making your life better! We will gently examine the things that are troubling you and I will guide you toward new ways of thinking and dealing with people to lead you toward freedom. Homework is an essential part of this process, as you take the suggestions I give you and try them out between sessions. Are YOU ready to change?  If so, Maesk Group Counseling is here to help!

From Maesk Counseling in Fort Lauderdale - Feel Better...Adopt a Pet!

This time something a little different than Fort Lauderdale counseling or therapy per se.  How about adopting a senior pet?!  It's well known that there are numerous benefits to owning a pet, such as a sense of connection, warmth, heightened feelings of relaxation, etc.

Here is an article from the Sun-Sentinel that talks about adopting senior pets.  So before you rush out and get that spry young kitty or puppy, be a hero and give a senior or ailing pet a try.  They will love you just as much and you will be doing a good deed!

November is Adopt a Senior Pet Month

Try to guess the best kept secret in the pet rescue world. If you answered, “Adopting an older cat or dog”, then pat yourself on the back. It’s the best gift you can give yourself…and the pet you’re adopting. And now’s the perfect time: November is “Adopt a Senior Pet Month.”

Think of all the reasons why a senior pet is the perfect fit: 
• He’s a lot calmer than a rambunctious puppy or kitten
• He may have had experience living with someone…and may adjust to children and other pets more readily.
• He’s likely housetrained, so you won’t be getting up in the middle of the night to take him out…or find puddles on your carpet when you get home.
• He probably knows basic obedience commands, so if you accidentally drop a glass, he’ll may know to “stay” and not cut himself. 
• He’ll be less destructive. The days of chewing shoes and swallowing socks are far behind him.

OLD AGE IS NOT A DEATH SENTENCE!

So what does “old” really mean? Most pet owners multiply their pet’s age by 7 and think that’s the age in human years. But that’s not quite accurate.

The American Animal Hospital Association offers a wide age range for pets that are considered “senior”: 7-11 years old for a cat and 5-8 years old for a dog.

Traditional veterinary dogma believes that the larger the dog, the faster he ages.
For example, a small dog like a Chihuahua is considered a senior at 8 years old. But it’s not unusual for one – given proper care- to live into his late ‘teens. A Great Dane, on the other hand, is considered a senior at age 5 with a lifespan of 7-10 years.

Making an evidence-based determination of when all pets should be considered “senior” is difficult because of breed and species differences. 

Veterinarians use the term “Senior” when a dog or cat has reached the last 25% of their life expectancy.  Your veterinarian can help you understand your pet's true age. Learn more here

Senior dogs, like senior people, have a lot of life left in them. Many of them still enjoy hiking, long walks, swimming and chasing their favorite critters. Learn more about caring for dogs at every stage of life here.

Senior cats are also a good bet! They fight the signs of aging for years and many have very similar behavior to when they were young. It’s often impossible to differentiate between a three year old and well cared for thirteen year old cat.
The American Animal Hospital Association has great resources on how to care for cats at any life stage.

HOW TO CHOOSE THE RIGHT SENIOR PET FOR YOUR LIFESTYLE

Here are questions to ask yourself:

Q: Do I want a dog who still is very active but who won’t destroy the house with his excessive energy? 
A: YES? Consider adopting a 7-12 year-old mix-breed with retriever, pointer, pit bull or hound in her lineage.
Q: Do I want a dog to just keep my couch warm and give me lots of love? 
A: YES? Try a retired racing greyhound. Believe it or not, greyhounds are fantastic couch potatoes and there are hundreds waiting in shelters for forever homes.  
Q: Do I want a pint-sized companion who I can carry with me to Starbucks and take on the plane? 
A: YES? Opt for a breed like a Chihuahua (one of the most common little cuties waiting to be rescued) or poodle mix. 
Older cats can make fantastic travel companions, too, especially if they enjoy nesting in a carrier.
Q: Do I want to help a medically-challenged dog or cat live out her life comfortably in a loving home?
A: YES? Look online or visit your local shelter for a pet with “Special Needs.” Certain “needs,” such as having only one eye or three legs, actually require little extra care. If you fall in love with a pet with other medical issues and have concerns about care, speak to a veterinarian before you adopt.

YOUR VET CAN HELP YOUR NEW PET STAY YOUNG

Just as life expectancy in humans has increased, the same has happened with our pets. Veterinary medicine has reached a golden age in our ability treat pets in their golden years. Veterinary practices are delivering higher-quality medical care to family pets, and animals are living well past what used to be considered a normal life span. Likewise, veterinary practices are diagnosing and outlining treatments for greater numbers of chronic and age-related diseases.

While your veterinarian may have access to cutting-edge treatments specifically geared for older animals including pain management, MRIs and chemotherapy, kidney transplants, acupuncture and herbal therapies, not every senior pet needs this type of aggressive treatment.

If you choose to share your life with an older pet, there is no shortage of resources for you to be sure that the time you spend with him will be rewarding and peaceful.

WHAT YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT YOUR NEW SENIOR PET’S HEALTH

Once you bring your “new-to-you” senior pet home from the shelter, the next step is to visit is your veterinarian who can identify diseases that could have been transmitted within the shelter or prior to adoption. Many veterinarians follow the American Animal Hospital Association’s (AAHA) Senior Care Guidelines for Dogs and Cats which recommend that “senior” wellness tests begin for pets at middle age to establish baseline values and to ensure that there are no clinically silent health abnormalities. If your pet is middle aged, your vet may recommend a physical exam and laboratory testing every year or every 6 months for senior pet.

As pets age, they can develop problems similar to those seen in elderly people. These health issues can include cancer, heart disease, kidney/urinary tract disease, liver disease, diabetes, joint or bone disease, senility, and weakness.

Be sure to keep a close eye on her as more changes occur in older bodies.

As your pet ages, so do you. What’s more special than aging together?

For more information, click on the links below: 

1.       AAHA’s main Website

2.       Hospital locator

3.       Senior Dog and Cat Guidelines

4.       Dog and Cat Life Stage Guidelines

5.       The Dental Guidelines.

(Credit to:  Heather Loenser, DVM
Staff Veterinary Advisor for the American Animal Hospital Association)